Class Action Suit against Rog the Dog

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SUPERIOR COURT OF THE FRAGRANCE DISTRICTCOUNTY OF OLFACTORY OFFENSES

CASE NO: BO-911-STINKY

THE PEOPLE OF THE CONGREGATION OF CLEANLINESS, Plaintiffs,

v.

@rog the dog (hereinafter referred to as "The Defendant"),Defendant.

COMPLAINT FOR OLFACTORY TORTURE AND ENVIRONMENTAL HAZARDS​

COMES NOW the Plaintiff, acting on behalf of all nasal passages within a three-mile radius, to bring this civil action against the Defendant, Rog the Dog, for repeated and egregious violations of the Right to Breathe Clean Air.

I. JURISDICTION AND VENUE​

  1. The Plaintiff resides in a state of perpetual nose-plugging.
  2. The Defendant, Rog the Dog, operates as a walking biohazard within this jurisdiction.
  3. The amount in controversy exceeds the cost of three crates of industrial-strength Febreze and a lifetime supply of scented candles.

II. STATEMENT OF FACTS​

  1. On or about various dates too numerous to count (but specifically every time he enters a room), the Defendant has willfully and maliciously emitted a scent profile that can only be described as a mixture of wet carpet, expired Gorgonzola, and a gym bag left in a hot trunk since 2012.
  2. The Defendant’s odor, hereafter referred to as "The Funk," possesses a physical mass and has been known to:
  • Wilting indoor houseplants upon entry.
  • Curdling unpasteurized milk within a 10-foot radius.
  • Causing local birds to lose their sense of direction.
  • Setting off carbon monoxide detectors in three neighboring zip codes.
  1. Despite multiple "subtle" hints—including but not limited to the gifting of premium soaps, the tactical deployment of aerosol sprays, and friends loudly exclaiming "What died in here?"—the Defendant has maintained a policy of aggressive aromatic negligence.

III. COUNT I: OLFACTORY ASSAULT AND BATTERY​

  1. Plaintiff incorporates paragraphs 1–6 as if fully set forth herein.
  2. By standing in the proximity of others, the Defendant has committed "Battery by Molecule," forcibly entering the nasal cavities of the Plaintiff without consent.
  3. The Defendant’s scent is so potent it has achieved a level of "Sentience," effectively mugging the Plaintiff’s sense of smell and holding it hostage for the duration of any social gathering.

IV. COUNT II: VIOLATION OF THE CLEAN AIR ACT​

  1. The Defendant’s presence constitutes a "Point Source of Pollution" as defined by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).
  2. The Defendant has failed to obtain a permit for the distribution of his "Personal Cloud of Doom," which has been classified as a localized smog event.
  3. Evidence suggests that Rog the Dog’s socks have been declared a "Superfund Site" by federal authorities.

V. COUNT III: NEGLIGENT INFLICTION OF FRAGRANCE DISTRESS​

  1. The Defendant knew, or should have known, that wearing the same hoodie for fourteen consecutive days would result in a smell that violates the Geneva Convention.
  2. As a direct result of the Defendant’s refusal to engage with the concept of "laundry," the Plaintiff has suffered from:
  • Involuntary eye-watering.
  • Temporary loss of appetite.
  • Psychological trauma associated with the smell of "Damp Dog."

VI. TESTIMONY FROM THE EXPERT WITNESS​

The Plaintiff intends to call upon Dr. Scentless P. Clean, a world-renowned Chemist, who will testify that the chemical composition of Rog the Dog’s aura is currently being studied by the Department of Defense for potential use as a non-lethal (but highly offensive) area-denial weapon.

Preliminary findings suggest that the Defendant's shoes contain a strain of bacteria previously thought to be extinct since the Late Cretaceous period.

VII. PRAYER FOR RELIEF​

WHEREFORE, the Plaintiff respectfully requests that the Court enter judgment against Rog the Dog and grant the following relief:

  1. A Permanent Injunction: Restraining the Defendant from coming within 50 feet of any person while wearing "The Forbidden Hoodie."
  2. Mandatory Remediation: The Defendant shall be sentenced to forty-eight (48) consecutive hours in a pressurized decontamination chamber equipped with Irish Spring and a power washer.
  3. Compensatory Damages: One (1) gallon of high-end cologne to be applied via crop-duster whenever the Defendant leaves his residence.
  4. Punitive Damages: The Defendant must pay for the dry cleaning of every person he has hugged in the last six months.
  5. Specific Performance: The Defendant is hereby ordered to learn the location of the "detergent" aisle in the grocery store—an area he has clearly avoided like a fugitive on the run.

VERIFICATION​

I, the Plaintiff, declare under penalty of perjury (and under the protection of a N95 mask) that the foregoing is true and correct to the best of my singed nostrils.

DATED this 27th day of December, 2025.

Respectfully submitted,

The Committee for Rog’s Hygiene Reform

LEGAL NOTICE TO THE DEFENDANT: Failure to respond to this complaint within 20 days will result in a "Default Judgment," which includes the Plaintiff arriving at your house with a bucket of soapy water and a very long scrub brush.
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COURT OF HYGIENIC JUSTICEAROMATIC DIVISION

CASE NO: BO-911-STINKY

OFFICIAL SUMMONS: YOU HAVE BEEN SERVED​

TO THE DEFENDANT:"Rog the Dog"Resident of the Cloud of FunkOdor-Adjacent, USA

NOTICE TO APPEAR​

YOU ARE HEREBY SUMMONED and required to appear before the Honorable Judge Suds McScrub in the Court of Hygienic Justice. You are being sued by The People of the Congregation of Cleanliness regarding your ongoing and relentless violation of the local Air Quality Standards.

THE NATURE OF THE CHARGES​

A lawsuit has been filed against you alleging that your personal scent profile—specifically your refusal to retire the "14-day-straight hoodie"—constitutes a public nuisance and a clear and present danger to the sinuses of your peers.

YOUR LEGAL OBLIGATIONS​

  1. Response Required: You must provide a written "Answer" to the allegations within twenty (20) days. "I forgot to do laundry" is not a valid legal defense.
  2. Mandatory Discovery: You are hereby ordered to produce "Exhibit A" (the sneakers under your bed) and "Exhibit B" (that gym bag you haven't opened since the summer) for forensic containment and eventual incineration.
  3. Cease and Desist: Pending your court date, you are ordered to maintain a minimum distance of three (3) standard bowling lanes from any person with a functioning nose.

WARNING: FAILURE TO APPEAR​

If you fail to respond or appear at the designated time, a Default Judgment will be entered against you. This may result in the court-ordered seizure of your body wash-free shower and the immediate appointment of a Special Master of Scrubbing to oversee your daily grooming habits.

BY ORDER OF THE COURT:

Clerk of the Court, Fragrance DistrictDate: December 28, 2025

PROCESS SERVER NOTE: > This summons was served by tossing it through an open window from a distance of twenty feet, as the Defendant’s front porch was deemed "unbreathable" by the server's hazmat consultant.
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